Chapter 6: ## Chapter 6: The Matches in My Hand
For eleven years, I had remembered: The Matches in My Hand
For eleven years, I had remembered my mother as the woman who stood in my mother as the woman who stood in the doorway of the garden house and ordered me to leave.
Now my father was the doorway of the garden house and ordered me to leave.
Now my father was telling me I had helped her set it on fire.
I stared at him beneath the yellow telling me I had helped her set it on fire.
I stared at him beneath the yellow light of his kitchen, waiting for him to laugh, to apologize, to tell me he had mistaken me for someone else.
He did light of his kitchen, waiting for him to laugh, to apologize, to tell me he had mistaken me for someone else.
He did none of those things.
Instead, he pulled out a chair.
"Sit down, Ellie.""
"Don't call me that.""
His hand froze none of those things.
Instead, he pulled out a chair.
"Sit down, Ellie.""
"Don't call me that.""
His hand froze against the backrest.
It was a cruel thing to say to a man I had buried in my against the backrest.
It was a cruel thing to say to a man I had buried in my heart when I was fourteen. But cruelty was easier than the alternative. If I let him speak to me like heart when I was fourteen.
But cruelty was easier than the alternative. If I let him speak to me like my father, I might start believing he was entitled to the years he had stolen.
"Tell me what happened," I said.
Thomas Whitmore lowered himself my father, I might start believing he was entitled to the years he had stolen.
"Tell me what happened," I said.
Thomas Whitmore lowered himself into the opposite chair. His hands trembled as he reached for a glass of water. There was a white scar running along into the opposite chair.
His hands trembled as he reached for a glass of water. There was a white scar running along his right wrist, half hidden beneath his sleeve.
"Your mother was frightened that night," he began.
"Robert Ashford had threatened to his right wrist, half hidden beneath his sleeve.
"Your mother was frightened that night," he began.
"Robert Ashford had threatened to expose something we'd been hiding for years.""
"What?""
"Something that could have destroyed our family expose something we'd been hiding for years.""
"What?""
"Something that could have destroyed our family.""
I struck the table with my palm.
"Stop speaking in riddles! You have eleven years.""
I struck the table with my palm.
"Stop speaking in riddles! You have eleven years of lies to make up for, and you're wasting time protecting people who aren't even here.""
He fl of lies to make up for, and you're wasting time protecting people who aren't even here.""
He flinched.
For a moment, I saw the father who used to carry me on his shoulders at the county fairinched.
For a moment, I saw the father who used to carry me on his shoulders at the county fair, the man who had taught me to ride a bicycle and pretended not to notice when I cheated at chess.
, the man who had taught me to ride a bicycle and pretended not to notice when I cheated at chess.
Then the memory vanished.
"I know," he whispered.
"You're right.""
He opened a kitchen drawer and removed a small photograph.
ItThen the memory vanished.
"I know," he whispered.
"You're right.""
He opened a kitchen drawer and removed a small photograph.
It showed a younger version of my mother standing beside a man I recognized from the scratched showed a younger version of my mother standing beside a man I recognized from the scratched-out picture. Robert Ashford was handsome, with dark hair and a narrow smile. His arm rested-out picture.
Robert Ashford was handsome, with dark hair and a narrow smile. His arm rested around my mother's shoulders.
On the back, in my mother's handwriting, were the words:
*Before everything went around my mother's shoulders.
On the back, in my mother's handwriting, were the words:
Before everything went wrong.
I looked at my father.
"Were they having an affair?""
He shook his head.
"They were business partners.""
"That wrong.*
I looked at my father.
"Were they having an affair?""
He shook his head.
"They were business partners.""
"That isn't what I asked.""
His gaze dropped to the table.
"Yes. For a time, they isn't what I asked.""
His gaze dropped to the table.
"Yes. For a time, they were lovers.""
The room seemed to shrink around me.
My mother had built her entire were lovers.""
The room seemed to shrink around me.
My mother had built her entire life around appearances. She had taught Charlotte and me never to embarrass the family, never to discuss private matters life around appearances. She had taught Charlotte and me never to embarrass the family, never to discuss private matters in public, never to let strangers see us cry.
She had spent years condemning other people's in public, never to let strangers see us cry.
She had spent years condemning other people's infidelity over Sunday dinners.
And all along, she had been sleeping with my father's closest business infidelity over Sunday dinners.
And all along, she had been sleeping with my father's closest business partner.
"Did you know?""
"Not at first.""
"When did you find out?""
"The year before partner.
"Did you know?""
"Not at first.""
"When did you find out?""
"The year before the fire.""
I pushed the photograph away.
"And you stayed with her?""
"I tried to leave.""
"But the fire.""
I pushed the photograph away.
"And you stayed with her?""
"I tried to leave.""
"But you didn't.""
"No.""
"Why?""
He looked at me, and for the first time, his eyes you didn't.""
"No.""
"Why?""
He looked at me, and for the first time, his eyes held something more painful than guilt.
"Because of you.""
I laughed bitterly.
"Don't held something more painful than guilt.
"Because of you.""
I laughed bitterly.
"Don't you dare use me to justify what you did.""
"I'm not.""
"Then explain.""
you dare use me to justify what you did.""
"I'm not.""
"Then explain.""
He took a long breath.
"Your mother discovered that Robert had been moving money from our property company into accounts we knewHe took a long breath.
"Your mother discovered that Robert had been moving money from our property company into accounts we knew nothing about. She confronted him. He threatened to ruin us both. Then he told her something that changed nothing about.
She confronted him. He threatened to ruin us both. Then he told her something that changed everything.""
"What?""
"He said the money had been used to pay for a child.""
I stared at him.
"What child?""
My father closed everything.""
"What?""
"He said the money had been used to pay for a child.""
I stared at him.
"What child?""
My father closed his eyes.
"Daniel.""
The name landed between us.
"Daniel Ashford was his son," I said.
"Obviously his eyes.
"Daniel.""
The name landed between us.
"Daniel Ashford was his son," I said.
"Obviously.""
"No, Ellie. Daniel was not Robert's son.""
I went completely still.
My father opened his eyes.
"Robert.""
"No, Ellie. Daniel was not Robert's son.""
I went completely still.
My father opened his eyes.
"Robert had never married. The boy everyone believed was his nephew was actually the child of another man. had never married.
The boy everyone believed was his nephew was actually the child of another man. Robert had agreed to raise him and conceal his parentage.""
"Whose child was he?""
Thomas rubbed his forehead.
Robert had agreed to raise him and conceal his parentage.""
"Whose child was he?""
Thomas rubbed his forehead.
"I don't know.""
"You're lying.""
"I swear to you, I don't know. Robert refused to say.""I don't know.""
"You're lying.""
"I swear to you, I don't know. Robert refused to say. But he used our company to fund the boy's education, his home, everything.
But he used our company to fund the boy's education, his home, everything. When your mother found out, she threatened to tell the truth.""
"And Robert threatened her.""
"He threatened all of When your mother found out, she threatened to tell the truth.""
"And Robert threatened her.""
"He threatened all of us.""
I looked down at the photograph.
My mother and Robert stood together in a garden, smiling at something outside the us.""
I looked down at the photograph.
My mother and Robert stood together in a garden, smiling at something outside the frame.
They looked happy.
That was the worst part.
They looked like two frame.
They looked happy.
That was the worst part.
They looked like two people who believed the world belonged to them.
"What happened the night of the fire?"" I asked.
My people who believed the world belonged to them.
"What happened the night of the fire?"" I asked.
My father rose and walked to the window.
"Robert came to the garden house after midnight. Your father rose and walked to the window.
"Robert came to the garden house after midnight. Your mother had discovered that he planned to sell the company and disappear with the money. She wanted to stop him.""
"How?""
"She intended to confront him. I mother had discovered that he planned to sell the company and disappear with the money. She wanted to stop him.""
"How?""
"She intended to confront him. I went with her.""
"And went with her.""
"And me?""
"You woke up and followed us.""
I pressed my fingers against my temples.
A faint image surfaced: the back door of the house, the cold night air, my mother's coat swinging as she walked quickly toward the garden.
me?""
"You woke up and followed us.""
I pressed my fingers against my temples.
A faint image surfaced: the back door of the house, the cold night air, my mother's coat swinging as she walked quickly toward the garden.
"Why did I have matches?""
"Because you had been trying to light the fireplace earlier"Why did I have matches?""
"Because you had been trying to light the fireplace earlier that evening. Your mother took the box away from you.""
My throat tightened.
"Then why did I have that evening. Your mother took the box away from you.""
My throat tightened.
"Then why did I have it again?""
My father turned from the window.
"Because Robert grabbed your mother. They fought. You saw him it again?""
My father turned from the window.
"Because Robert grabbed your mother. They fought. You saw him strike her. You ran into the garden house, picked up the matches from a table, and shouted at him to leave her alone.""
I could almost hear the shouting.
strike her. You ran into the garden house, picked up the matches from a table, and shouted at him to leave her alone.""
I could almost hear the shouting.
A man's angry voice.
My mother's sharp cry.
The scrape of a chair against the floor.
"And thenA man's angry voice.
My mother's sharp cry.
The scrape of a chair against the floor.
"And then?""
"You dropped the matches.""
"Did I start the fire?""
He hesitated.
That hesitation?""
"You dropped the matches.""
"Did I start the fire?""
He hesitated.
That hesitation told me everything.
"Did I?""
"One of them landed on a stack told me everything.
"Did I?""
"One of them landed on a stack of papers beside a bottle of lamp oil. The fire spread quickly.""
I covered my mouth.
"No.""
" of papers beside a bottle of lamp oil. The fire spread quickly.""
I covered my mouth.
"No.""
"Your mother tried to put it out. Robert was trapped near the back door. I carriedYour mother tried to put it out.
Robert was trapped near the back door. I carried you outside, then went back for him.""
"But you didn't get him out.""
"I you outside, then went back for him.""
"But you didn't get him out.""
"I couldn't.""
Tears ran down his face.
"When I returned, the roof had started couldn't.""
Tears ran down his face.
"When I returned, the roof had started to collapse. Your mother was screaming that Robert was still inside. I tried to go back, but the flames were too to collapse.
Your mother was screaming that Robert was still inside. I tried to go back, but the flames were too strong.""
I shook my head.
"Then how did he die?""
My father stared at me.
"That's strong.""
I shook my head.
"Then how did he die?""
My father stared at me.
"That's what we believed.""
The silence was unbearable.
"What do you mean?""
He reached into his pocket and removed a folded what we believed.""
The silence was unbearable.
"What do you mean?""
He reached into his pocket and removed a folded newspaper clipping.
It was dated eleven years earlier.
The headline read:
**LOCAL BUSINESSMAN KILLED IN S newspaper clipping.
It was dated eleven years earlier.
The headline read:
*LOCAL BUSINESSMAN KILLED IN SUSPICIOUS GARDEN HOUSE FIRE*
The victim was identified as Robert Ashford.
Beneath the headline was aUSPICIOUS GARDEN HOUSE FIRE**
The victim was identified as Robert Ashford.
Beneath the headline was a photograph of a burned building.
My father placed a finger on the image.
"The body found inside that building photograph of a burned building.
My father placed a finger on the image.
"The body found inside that building wasn't Robert's.""
I looked up.
"What?""
"Robert had been gone before the fire started. wasn't Robert's.""
I looked up.
"What?""
"Robert had been gone before the fire started. He escaped through the cellar passage.""
"Then whose body was it?""
"I don't know.""
I stood He escaped through the cellar passage.""
"Then whose body was it?""
"I don't know.""
I stood so quickly that the chair scraped across the floor.
"You're telling me my mother started a fire, a man died, and nobody knew who the so quickly that the chair scraped across the floor.
"You're telling me my mother started a fire, a man died, and nobody knew who the victim was?""
"Yes.""
"And you let me believe I'd killed someone?""
His victim was?""
"Yes.""
"And you let me believe I'd killed someone?""
His face crumpled.
"Your mother thought the guilt would keep you from asking questions. She believed that if you remembered face crumpled.
"Your mother thought the guilt would keep you from asking questions. She believed that if you remembered the matches, you would blame yourself and never investigate the fire.""
I felt physically sick.
"She let me grow up the matches, you would blame yourself and never investigate the fire.""
I felt physically sick.
"She let me grow up believing I was responsible for a man's death.""
"She thought she believing I was responsible for a man's death.""
"She thought she was protecting you.""
"Don't.""
My voice cracked.
"Don't use that word. You don't get to call cruelty protection just because it sounds better.""
He bowed his head.
For several seconds was protecting you.""
"Don't.""
My voice cracked.
"Don't use that word. You don't get to call cruelty protection just because it sounds better.""
He bowed his head.
For several seconds, the only sound in the kitchen was the ticking of an old clock.
Then I asked the question that had been burning inside me since I arrived.
"Why did you disappear, the only sound in the kitchen was the ticking of an old clock.
Then I asked the question that had been burning inside me since I arrived.
"Why did you disappear?""
My father looked toward the hallway.
"Because Robert came back.""
I stopped breathing.
"When?""
"Three days after the fire. He came to?""
My father looked toward the hallway.
"Because Robert came back.""
I stopped breathing.
"When?""
"Three days after the fire. He came to the house while you were still in the hospital. He told your mother that if I stayed, he would make sure you were blamed for everything.""
the house while you were still in the hospital. He told your mother that if I stayed, he would make sure you were blamed for everything.""
"Why would he do that?""
"Because I had discovered the truth about the money. I knew where it"Why would he do that?""
"Because I had discovered the truth about the money. I knew where it had gone. I knew who had received it.""
"Who?""
He looked at me.
"Someone in our family.""
Before had gone. I knew who had received it.""
"Who?""
He looked at me.
"Someone in our family.""
Before I could ask another question, headlights swept across the kitchen window.
My father went pale.
He crossed the I could ask another question, headlights swept across the kitchen window.
My father went pale.
He crossed the room and switched off the lights.
"Get away from the window," he whispered.
I moved toward the hallway.
room and switched off the lights.
"Get away from the window," he whispered.
I moved toward the hallway.
A car door slammed outside.
Then another.
My father reached for my arm.
"Whatever happens, don't let them take the photograph.""
"Who isA car door slammed outside.
Then another.
My father reached for my arm.
"Whatever happens, don't let them take the photograph.""
"Who is out there?""
He didn't answer.
A fist struck the front door.
Three hard knocks.
Then a woman's voice called through the darkness.
"Thomas, I know out there?""
He didn't answer.
A fist struck the front door.
Three hard knocks.
Then a woman's voice called through the darkness.
"Thomas, I know she's inside.""
I recognized the voice immediately.
Charlotte.
My father closed his eyes.
"Oh, God.""
I she's inside.""
I recognized the voice immediately.
Charlotte.
My father closed his eyes.
"Oh, God.""
I looked at him.
"What is she doing here?""
He whispered the answer that made my blood run cold.
"She's not here to save you, Ellie looked at him.
"What is she doing here?""
He whispered the answer that made my blood run cold.
"She's not here to save you, Ellie.""
Another knock rattled the door.
My father tightened his grip on my arm.
"She's here because she knows what really happened.""
Another knock rattled the door.
My father tightened his grip on my arm.
"She's here because she knows what really happened to Robert.""
And then Charlotte spoke again.
"Open the door, Dad. It's time Eleanor learned to Robert.""
May you like
And then Charlotte spoke again.
"Open the door, Dad. It's time Eleanor learned what you did to me.""
